Note: This was originally posted in Psychology Today.
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Key Points
An open letter for those who want to know more about their therapist.
Dear Fellow Human,
Thank you for reading this letter. I know that to most people, therapists are a mystery. Therapy involves one-way disclosure — which means that your therapist knows a lot about you, but you might not know about your therapist. This can be really challenging when you’re bearing your soul and most hidden secrets to someone. And despite what you might think, it can be hard for us too.
I started writing these letters because it’s not often that I can be so candidly open with my clients. And I wanted to completely demystify therapists. So I’m writing this letter to pull the curtain back on what your therapist is really like.
We actually don’t judge
While most therapists are nonjudgmental, we are also specially trained in suspending judgment. We learn to view clients in unconditional positive regard. This means we give respect to each person and acknowledge that everyone is doing the best they can with the information they have at the time.
We also understand the function of behaviors. In Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Dr. Marsha Linehan emphasizes that people engage in unhelpful behaviors because those behaviors serve some purpose or benefit. As therapists, we aim to curiously explore the function of certain behaviors without blaming — even when you want to change the behavior. This approach helps people feel validated, heard, and understood.
I’ve also sat with a lot of people and heard a lot of things, so very little surprises me. There’s almost nothing you can say that will raise my eyebrows. And even if it did raise my eyebrows, I won’t judge you for it.
When therapists say we won’t judge — we mean it.
We aren’t magical unicorns
Some people put therapists on a pedestal. This is totally normal —a therapist is someone who seems to have all the answers in therapy, is likely to be kind and considerate, and can truly understand struggles. It’s easy to believe therapists have it all together.
But therapists aren’t magical unicorns. They try and fail, sometimes say the wrong thing, and make mistakes at work. They struggle too.
It’s okay that a therapist has their own struggles that the patient might know nothing about. But knowing that therapists struggle too might help in understanding that's how they relate well to humans and helps us build an equal relationship with each other.
We practice what we preach
Therapists generally enter the field because they truly believe in the power of scientifically-based therapy techniques, true human connection, and building hope within a community.
As a general rule, we practice what we preach. We use all the skills we teach our clients — interpersonal skills, emotion regulation skills, mindfulness, feeling our feelings, and more.
If we don’t use the skills and wisdom ourselves, how can we expect you to? What you learn in therapy isn’t just words, it’s a way of life. And it can truly make life more fulfilling.
We openly share our hearts
As therapists, we dedicate our lives and careers to the service of others. We open up our hearts daily. While we aren’t always doing the talking, we sit with others in their darkest, most challenging moments — and that takes courage.
You can bet your therapist chose this profession because they truly care about the well-being and health of others. And we care with our entire mind, body, and spirit.
Our compassion isn’t limited to the therapy room. Most of us have a keen sense of others' emotions and regularly lend a listening ear to friends and family. We are masters at letting others know that we truly see them.
We welcome others with open arms.
Final words
Therapists are trained professionals and due to the nature of our work, our clients don’t know much about us. But most therapists share core traits, no matter what type of therapy we practice.
We are true helpers — nonjudgmental, good listeners, and caring humans who also make lots of mistakes. We are fairly open-minded and greet people with open arms and hearts. We want to help others be their best selves, and be there to cheerlead them as they journey through.
I hope this letter helps you feel a little closer and more connected to who your therapist is as a person, so you have more room in the therapy space to work on your goals and processing your emotions.
We see you, and we are here for you.
Warmly,
Your therapist