Note: This was originally posted in Psychology Today.
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Key Points:
Questions and reminders that may frustrate us, but can also lead to growth.
The therapy room is sacred. Most therapists take good care to set up the therapy room as a space for healing, insight, and inspiration.
And most of the time, therapy is healing and inspiring. Therapy helps us cope with mental health problems, keeps us motivated, and improves general well-being.
But sometimes, there are really annoying moments in therapy. Especially when your therapist says something that makes you want to roll your eyes.
Believe me; I’ve been there. I am both a therapist and a client, and I’ve seen these phrases from both sides. And that doesn’t make them any less frustrating.
Here are the top six phrases therapists say that drive us crazy — even when they’re totally true.
“What do you think you should do?”
Isn’t it infuriating when your therapist doesn’t make decisions for you? You go into your appointment, wanting help with a decision, and then you get hit with this question.
Sometimes you just want your therapist to tell you the right move! But they’re not going to do that. Instead, they’re going to give you this diplomatic answer. You have to make your own decisions, apparently. Bummer, I know.
"Feelings aren’t facts."
When emotions run high, it’s easy to get caught up in them. Sometimes we mistake our feelings for facts. This is called emotional reasoning. We think that we did something wrong because we feel guilty; or because we feel stupid, we are stupid; or because we feel jealous, our partner must be cheating.
But our feelings aren’t facts. Just because we feel something doesn’t make it true. We can’t easily understand this when emotions are high. But your therapist can.
Isn’t it annoying when your therapist is right?
"You can’t avoid your emotions."
This one is a therapist classic.
Some of us cope with our emotions by distracting from them or avoiding them. You may have learned that ignoring your emotions makes it easier to sidestep them. Unfortunately, this doesn’t work in the long term.
Therapists are like hawks for avoidance. They see it, and they call it out when they do. They’re going to encourage you to face your emotions, even when you don’t like it. Even when it infuriates you.
They might even hit you with, “How about we label our feelings instead of ignoring them?”
"Stop 'shoulding' on yourself."
We all do it—tell ourselves that we “should” be more productive, “shouldn’t" have said that comment during a meeting, or “should” work harder.
Therapists know that “shoulds” lead to feeling anxious, overwhelmed, and inadequate. When you “should” on yourself, you’re not doing yourself any favors. Try instead to change those “shoulds” to “want to’s.”
Your therapist is going to tell those “shoulds” to take a hike.
“And how’s that working for you?”
This phrase usually comes up when you’re discussing a behavior pattern that isn’t helpful to you. Your therapist is clearly aware this behavior isn’t working out, but you might not be. They’re trying to get you to see the consequences—both in the short-term and the long-term.
If your therapist says this to you, it’s a good clue that making a change would probably be to your benefit.
This can feel condescending if not done in the context of a supportive therapy relationship. But sometimes it needs to be said. Regardless, take the hint, and try something different.
"You only fail if you bail."
Leave it to a therapist to apply rhymes to your life. As cliché as it sounds, this saying holds a lot of truth. When you quit, you fail before you even start. Bailing is giving up, and you can only fail if you don’t try.
Your therapist wants you to succeed in your life. Even though this phrase is annoying, your therapist is encouraging you to see things through and challenge yourself.
As long as you’re trying, you’re winning.
Therapists arm themselves with words. Sometimes a phrase or term will stick with someone and help them turn their life around. Your therapist has your best interests at heart. Even though these phrases can infuriate us, that doesn’t make them less true.
According to Carol Dweck, growth comes when we stretch ourselves. You only grow when you practice doing hard things. Therapy is about doing the hard things. These phrases are used by therapists when they can see the potential for your growth, but you have trouble seeing it. You just need a push in that direction.
Don’t just label these phrases as “annoying things your therapist says.” Take them in. Let them change you.