Note: This was originally posted in Psychology Today.
For more content like this, sign up for my free newsletter.
Key Points
Communication and emotion regulation strategies to deal with unwanted diet talk
Most of us have friends and family who have fallen prey to diet culture. These people talk about their new diet, comment on what you’re eating (or not eating), label “good” and “bad” foods, comment on their weight, others’ weight, or even your weight—the list goes on. These comments can be subtle or completely glaring. Either way, they hurt and can hinder our progress in healing our relationship with food and our body.
The holidays often center on food and family, which is a ripe primer for diet culture to sneak into the conversation. These comments can quickly sour a holiday gathering and leave you feeling distressed.
Here are some quick tips for surviving diet culture over the holidays.
Set expectations ahead of time
Spend some time figuring out what boundaries you have around diet talk during holiday gatherings. For example, I ask that friends and family avoid discussing weight, shape, and food at all. You might ask that people not make negative comments about weight or talk about foods being “good” or bad.”
Clearly and directly communicate your boundaries to friends and family ahead of time. Let them know you understand how it might be difficult for them to follow this request but that it is important for your well-being. Reinforce their efforts—this could be as small as thanking them or letting them know how much you would appreciate it if they could support your well-being in this way.
These strategies are part of the Dialectical Behavior Therapy skill called DEAR MAN.
Note what will happen if your boundary is violated
Unfortunately, you can’t control what other people do. A vital part of boundary-setting is defining what you will do if a limit you’ve set has been crossed.
When communicating your boundaries, let friends and family know what you will do if they continue to make weight or food comments even when you’ve asked them not to. Some ideas include providing a gentle reminder to avoid weight or food talk, leaving the room, leaving the gathering, or not attending the next gathering. This might sound like, “If I hear you talking about weight or shape, I’m going to leave the room or gathering.”
Keep your cool
It’s unfair that you have to keep your cool when others are being hurtful, but it’s crucial so that 1) you feel better about the interaction and 2) others accept your message. Staying calm protects your well-being.
When you feel emotions rising, try one of these strategies:
Take a deep breath (make the exhale longer than the inhale).
Take a break or walk and come back to the situation when emotions are more manageable.
Meditate before the gathering or during a break.
Hold a stress ball or fidget spinner.
Use progressive muscle relaxation (you can discreetly use PMR by squeezing your fists and then relaxing them).
Text a supportive friend.
Have a card of positive affirmations in your pocket.
Be a broken record
The broken record technique is an assertiveness skill that can help you hold your boundaries. It is most often useful when someone ignores your request, resorts to attacking or name-calling, or simply forgets your request. It gives you the ability to stay firm in your message without escalating the situation.
In a calm tone of voice, acknowledge what the other person is saying and hold firm to your message. For example, you might say, “I know that your diet is important to you, and I would really appreciate you not bringing it up in front of me.” Or, “I know that it’s difficult to remember, and I ask that you please not talk about weight at dinner.”
Say the message over and over again. Your acknowledgment of the person’s perspective makes the message non-threatening and prevents emotional escalation. Keeping a calm tone of voice shows that the strength is in your message. By repeating the message over and over again in a calm but firm tone, you show the other person that you mean what you say, and the message is important.
Change the subject if it doesn’t feel safe to set the boundary
Sometimes, it doesn’t feel safe to make a clear request. If that’s the case, you can change the subject when unhelpful food, weight, or diet talk comes up.
Here are some examples:
“I feel uncomfortable with comments around weight and shape. Can we talk about something else?”
“I’m working on a healthier relationship with food. I would appreciate it if we could change the topic.”
“How’s your family?”
“I would love to focus on enjoying this food with the people I care about.”
The takeaway
The holidays are stressful. When you add diet culture, it can be a volatile combination. Arming yourself with these tips can help you feel more confident to manage the situation and your emotions.
It is unfair that you have to be the one to manage diet culture and fatphobic comments. And yet—with careful boundary setting, planning, emotion regulation skills, and giving yourself permission to feel your feelings—you can take back ownership of your well-being.
Don’t let diet culture ruin your holiday season.