Note: This was originally posted in Psychology Today.
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Let me start by saying there is no "right" way to do therapy. But there are definitely certain factors that can make your experience more (or less) effective.
I've been on both sides of the therapy room, as a client and a therapist—and I've definitely made some big mistakes that I wish I could correct. Here are five mistakes I made as a client and how you can avoid them yourself.
1. Not telling my therapist when something they said really stunk.
As a young adult, I saw a therapist at a counseling center who asked me what I did to relax. When I told him I found comfort in my morning coffee, he laughed and said, "You know coffee is a stimulant, right?" Ouch. I completely shut down for the rest of the session. I felt so much shame, anger, and embarrassment that I never went back.
Reflecting now, I wish I had said something, not for him or so we could have worked through things, but for me. Avoiding such conversations and dismissing my feelings was something that played out in my relationships, and doing it in therapy wasn't helping me. Letting him know that his comment was dismissive and invalidating would have allowed me to own my experience and act opposite to the shame I felt.
You won't always feel safe to say something to your therapist, but doing so can be empowering. If something your therapist says really stinks, open up a conversation about it. Not for them, but for you.
2. Thinking, "That won't work."
Early on as a client, a therapist asked me to try a technique called body appreciation — appreciating your body for what it allows you to do, rather than what it looks like. I distinctly remember nodding at her while internally thinking, "That's stupid," and never thought of it again until years later when I found it to be really helpful. Oh, how I wish I had tried it years before.
You never know what will work. The worst thing that happens is you try something and your symptoms remain the same. But you won't know until you say, "I'll try it."
3. Doing too much thinking and not enough sensing.
My brain never stops. I love to think, but sometimes it's a curse. Thinking can actually be an avoidance strategy used to fight feelings. In therapy, this can look like talking in circles or talking a lot about emotions without actually feeling them.
Emotions cannot run their course if you prematurely squash them. Stop being so heady. Slow down your talk and really feel into your experience. You can even ask your therapist to walk you through a sensing exercise like this one: Close your eyes and sense into your body. What do you feel? Where do you feel it?
4. Ghosting a therapist.
Even though I've written about why you shouldn't ghost your therapist, I've ghosted a therapist myself a time or two. I found out too late that ending relationships is a skill, and I wasn't very good at it because I never did it. I either kept people in my life because I was too afraid of "ending things" or just left without saying anything.
Master your feelings and relationships by doing the hard thing. Tell your therapist that things aren't working instead of avoiding the conversation. Give yourself an opportunity to be decisive, assertive, and direct.
5. Trying to be a "good" client.
I am always the "strong" friend, the one who self-sacrifices, the one who helps everyone else. I allowed this to bleed into my therapy space. Big mistake.
Without realizing it, I minimized how I felt, never opened up, and talked in circles for an hour without feeling anything. I didn't get anything from sessions because I wasn't using the space the way it's supposed to be used. Therapy is the space to be vulnerable, particularly when you can't be vulnerable in other areas of your life. But therapy can only work when you show up with all parts of yourself. Both the "put-together" parts, and the "messy" parts — the parts you don't like, and the parts you do. All of you.
Instead of making this mistake, tell your therapist something they don't know about you. Make an effort to share an embarrassing story. Let your therapist know if the fear of not being liked or not being a "good client" is distracting you from the work of therapy. Explore how you can let your walls down so sessions can be more powerful.
There is no perfect way to do therapy. Making mistakes and learning is part of growing. I don't regret the mistakes I made, but I hope sharing them allows you to grow in your therapy journey.