Note: This was originally posted in Psychology Today.
For more content like this, sign up for my free newsletter.
Key Points
"Asking for something makes me weak."
In my office, I see many people with mistaken beliefs about relationships. These beliefs are learned early in life and are difficult to break. They might be protective in the short term, but at a certain point, they cause conflicts at work, in friendships, with families, and especially in romantic relationships. And the hardest part is that these beliefs are pervasive. Which is why you need to challenge them.
Here are the most common interpersonal myths that hold people back from the relationships they want. Under each myth, I highlight specific action steps from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that you can take to regain control.
Myth 1. I shouldn’t have to ask for what I need.
Sometimes we mistakenly believe that other people should know what we need. We believe we shouldn’t have to ask for what we want, but the “right" partner or friend should “just know.”
Do you fall into this trap? That your spouse should “just know” when and how often to take out the trash? Or that your children should know the rules of the house without you teaching them?
People aren’t mind-readers. Even when something feels completely intuitive to you, that doesn’t mean it’s intuitive for someone else. They don’t know when something bothers you. You need to tell them. And if you want them to do things you like, you need to tell them that you like that thing and ask them to keep doing it.
Action step: What do you currently need that you aren't asking for? Tell one person a need you have that isn’t getting met. And get detailed. If you want more affection from your partner, tell them what that looks like, when, and for how long. Be very specific.
Myth 2. I need to fix everything myself.
Relationships are about two people. And some people who are highly perfectionistic or self-sufficient ascribe to the false belief that if they need to get something done right, they need to do it themselves. Let me tell you, the only sure outcome of this is your own frustration and driving others away.
Relationships are reciprocal, about give and take. Have you ever tried to buy a gift for someone who has everything? It’s so frustrating and hard!
Same for the person who does everything. It’s so frustrating to not be able to give back to that person— because it feels good to give to others we love. Don’t rob the people in your life of that opportunity. Allow people in your life to give to you and see the possibilities it opens up.
Action step: Make a list of things in your life you can tolerate being done imperfectly; delegate those things to someone else in your life. Repeatedly practice asking others for help. After you’ve gradually learned to trust others, ask people for help with more difficult tasks. You can always keep some tasks to yourself, but not enough to overwhelm you. You will learn flexibility, others will learn to help you, and you will no longer need to believe in this myth.
Myth 3. I don’t deserve to get what I want or need.
This is the most common myth I see that gets in the way of assertiveness. People have such a hard time asking for things because, deep down, they don’t believe they can get them or don’t believe they should get them.
And this belief can cause real rifts in relationships. It’s hard to be a friend or a partner to this person when you are constantly watching them get stepped on. And no matter how many times you try to convince them they are deserving, they don’t believe you.
Prevent relationship rifts and resentment from building by changing this belief.
Action step: Write down facts or evidence as to why this belief is false. This is a strategy called cognitive restructuring or checking the facts. Why do you deserve to get your basic needs met? Hint: because you’re a human being! Examine if continuing down this path is getting you to the life you want. If you continue to do the same thing, what will happen?
Make a change by starting to ask for what you need. Start small. Ask for someone to pass you a cup of water. Then snowball your asks. See where it takes you.
Myth 4. If I ask for something, I’m weak.
This myth usually takes some digging to admit. Most people don’t come into the therapy room and say, “I have trouble asking for things because other people will think I’m weak,” — but it can make sense if you have trouble asking for help. This underlying belief can continuously haunt your relationships. If you believe that something is wrong with you for asking for help, you will never ask for things, you’ll feel like crud for not asking, and you’ll end up confirming that false belief about yourself.
Action step: Check the facts. When someone asks you for something, do you think they are weak? Do you resent them? No. You are not somehow the exception to the universe, such that people will only think you’re weak. It takes strength to ask for things. Do you know how I know? Because if it was easy, you would have already done it.
Start small. Ask for one teeny-tiny, small thing and check the facts for yourself. Does the person think you’re weak? Do they respect you less? My guess is not, but find out on your own.
Myth 5. Other people should always support my choices.
This one is tricky. Of course, we all want partners and friends who support our choices. But we need to make choices according to our own personal values, not anyone else’s. And we need to accept that other people in our lives are not always going to agree with the choices we make. Just like we aren’t always going to agree with the choices that our friends and partners make. But we can respect the choices that others make, even when we don’t agree with them.
Action step: Use dialectics. Dialectics reflect the idea that two things that feel really opposite can be true at the same time. Tell yourself, “I can disagree with others’ choices and respect them.” Tell yourself, “It causes me discomfort to hold boundaries, and I will hold those boundaries.” Tell yourself, “Others can respect me and still not agree with my choices, and that's OK.”
Myth 6. What I need is the same as what others need — and vice versa.
The relationship world exploded when Gary Chapman introduced the five love languages. There’s a reason the world fell in love with this content — it’s incredibly relatable! And it helps so many people acknowledge and label their love language so they can communicate it to others and get their needs met.
But some of us continue to make the mistake that our love language is the same as others’ love language. We fall into the trap of personalization. We think that others automatically know our love language (see myth #1), or we forget that others have unique needs different from our own.
For example, we might think less of a gift because it’s not in our love language, or we might give a gift that isn’t in our partner’s love language. Remember, the purpose and function of gifts are to show others that we care — the actual gift is less important. Remember that doing a nice act, offering gifts of service or words of affirmation, is less about the content and more about the intent.
We all express love in different ways. If someone expresses love to you, but it’s not in your love language, take it for what it is — an effort. You can even combine steps, and next time, work on asking for what you need in your love language.
Myth 7. If I set boundaries or ask for what I need, people should give me what I want.
Despite popular belief, interpersonal effectiveness is not just about getting what you want — it’s about self-respect. And one of the hardest pills to swallow is that even when you skillfully ask for what you need, people still don’t necessarily have to give you what you want or need. But don’t fret: There are steps you can take.
Action step: Use acceptance. You need to accept that sometimes you will be super skillful and set boundaries, and you still won’t get what you want. Maybe the other person also needs to set their own healthy boundaries. Maybe they just don’t have the resources to give you what you need.
Keep asking for what you need. Because assertiveness is about self-respect, and as long as you’re asking for it, you can rest easy and confidently regardless of what other people decide to do.
Myth 8. The right relationship will be easy.
The right relationships take work. A lot of work.
It isn’t that if you’re with the right partner, you won’t fight or that things will fall together perfectly. It’s that you are both in the relationship, fighting to stay together instead of fighting for your own independence. And sometimes, fighting to stay together can mean setting your own boundaries and limits.
Relationships are hard, and they take work. This is not meant to encourage you to stay in relationships that are abusive, painful, or ultimately not right for you in the long term. It means that we need to ditch Hollywood’s depiction of perfect, easy relationships in pursuit of what’s real. And the work of relationships and connecting with others is what makes them so special.
Just because something takes work doesn’t mean that it’s not right.
Action step: Think about past romantic relationships and friendships. Think back to relationships that were hard work but ultimately felt like the right ones. What about relationships that were hard work but ultimately felt like the wrong ones? Differentiate the qualities of these two relationships so that you can differentiate between relationships that felt right from the ones that felt wrong — despite how much work they were. And don’t let hard work deter you from getting what you ultimately want.
The takeaway
These myths can ultimately interfere with how you interact with others, how or if you ask for what you need, how you accept love from others, and whether or not you are willing to put in the work to cultivate long-term relationships. We all have relationship beliefs we’ve developed over our lives, but you have to decide if these beliefs are helpful to you or not and what to do about it.
I know that changing beliefs is incredibly difficult. It takes sustainable and repeated effort. Regardless, I hope that you can take one action step towards resolving these beliefs today. Because that is one step towards the relationships that you want.
Don’t let old beliefs hold you back.