When the car ride is a pressure cooker before the big game
There are so many things to remember the morning of a big game. Everyone rushes to get everything packed and get in the car. And after that big rush, everyone is just sitting in the car, thinking. Thinking through the mental checklist of stuff to bring, trying to remember coach instructions, thinking through where to go, and trying to predict what will happen. Youth sports is supposed to be fun, but that car ride can sometimes feel like a lot of pressure.
As a parent, you love your child and care about their happiness. You want them to perform their best in sport, and to set them up for success in their life. To help them reach their dreams, you’ve given rides, fees, and early mornings. You might carry your own memories (and regrets) of sports or school performance. All of that can squeeze into a short drive through Apex on a Saturday morning. In that tight little window of time, parents can slip into what sport psychologists think of as “pressure mistakes,” which are small, well-meaning comments that can accidentally create pressure instead of motivation.
At Bloom Psychology Group, we see every day how these tiny moments show up in kid’s heads. Our goal isn’t to blame parents. Most caring adults do some of this without meaning to, especially with high-achieving kids who already put plenty of pressure on themselves. The good news is that with a bit of awareness and a few simple shifts, the car ride can turn into a place of calm and support instead of stress.
When well-meaning encouragement starts to sound like expectations
Many parents try to pump their kids up with what feels like positive words before a game. You want them to feel confident, excited, and ready. The tricky part is that what a parent thinks sounds encouraging, can actually feel like pressure to a child or teen.
A sentence like, “You worked so hard, you should dominate today,” might feel supportive when you say it. But many kids hear, “If you don’t dominate, you’re not doing it well enough.” Or words like “Remember you have to pass the ball” can feel like nagging. Kids can turn this inward on themselves, believing “If I don’t pass enough, I’m not good enough.”
Using these words like “should,” “must,” “have to,” and “need to,” tend to communicate high expectations and can set up pressure in a young athlete’s mind. We call this “should-ing” on yourself. If you notice yourself using words like this, it may help to pause. Those phrases are usually rooted in love and belief, but they can come across as a command or heavy expectation.
Instead, use language that keeps the focus on effort and joy: “Have fun out there, I love watching you play.” Or, “Play hard and be a good teammate, that’s what matters most.” Even a simple, “No matter what happens, I’m proud of how you show up,” can soften the pressure and allow them to focus on playing, rather than your expectations. Even if you don’t think they care or that they’re listening, it’s still important for them to know that your relationship and their future success doesn’t hinge on how they play in this one game.
Regulate your own nervous system to help your child regulate their nervous eading in-between the lines about how you say it, not what you say
Kids, especially high-achieving girls and sensitive athletes, are tuned in to tiny cues. They notice the change in your voice when you talk about big games. They see the way your eyes light up when you bring up goals or playing time. They can feel your nervous, on-edge energy, even if you think you’re hiding it well. Even if you choose your words carefully, your tone, facial expression, and body language can quietly send the message, “This is a big deal. This situation really matters.” Sometimes kids who are hard on themselves can turn it inward, “This situation really matters, which means I can’t make mistakes. Don’t mess up.”
When a young athlete feels that, their body reacts in subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) ways. Their muscles may tighten, they may take quicker breaths, and their thoughts can pick up, sometimes spiraling into “what-ifs” and worst-case scenarios. They may walk onto the field already trying not to fail instead of feeling free enough to play.
As a parent, it’s helpful to keep your own nervous system regulated. After the rush to get in the car, put your hands on the wheel and take a few slow deep breaths, focusing on a longer exhale. My favorite skill for parents and athletes is called paced breathing; you inhale for a count of 4, and exhale for a count of 6, and breathe using your belly instead of your chest. This allows your nervous system to calm down and can set a more calm and regulated tone for the car ride.
There is a growing body of research on co-regulation, a biological process where one person’s autonomic nervous system actually tunes into and stabilizes another’s. Through subtle, non-verbal cues like steady breathing, a relaxed posture, and calm tone of voice, your calm state signals to your child’s brain that they are safe. Before they even register it consciously, their heart rate slows and their nervous system begins to sync with yours. By grounding yourself in the driver’s seat, you are not only managing your own stress, but offering your child’s body a biological template to help them calm theirs.
Putting your own story on your child’s game
Many parents in our community played sports growing up, or wished they had. As a parent watching your child on the field, old memories can resurface: the coach who benched you, the game you still replay in your mind, the dream that never quite worked out. Without meaning to, those old stories can slip into the way you talk to your child before a game.
You might notice yourself talking a lot about their “potential,” or giving the speech you wish you got at their age. You may feel extra keyed up before games that remind you of your own big moments. None of this means you’re a bad parent. It just means you are carrying your own past into the present moment with your kid.
Kids pick up on this fast. When they feel like they have to perform for your dream as well as their own, playing stops being fun and starts feeling like a lot of pressure.
Before you launch into a pre-game talk, take a second to ask yourself:
- Is this conversation actually for them, or is it for me?
- Am I reacting to what’s happening today, or how I felt at 12 years old? Or even how I feel now looking back on my time with regret or expectations?
- Would I care this much about the outcome if nobody else was watching?
Even something as simple as catching yourself in the middle of an old reaction can be enough to take a breath and change your approach. Pull yourself away from “shoulds” and focus on what is important, which is your kid having fun, making friends, and learning new skills that will help them later in life.
Sometimes the most loving thing we can do as parents is to take our own history out of it. Talking about your own athletic experience with a trusted loved one or a counselor can help you process your own athletic memories so your kid can just play without all the extra weight.
Over-coaching and play-by-play advice before warmups
Another common pressure mistake parents make is slipping into the role of second coach right before the game. The car ride or the walk to the field can fill up quickly with reminders: “Remember to keep your elbow in.” “Don’t do what you did last week.” “Watch out for that number on the other team.” You can see how a short pep talk can easily turn into a mini lecture before you even realize it.
When kids already have a coach, stacking more instructions on top can overload their brains. Instead of trusting their training and instincts, they’re suddenly trying to remember every tip you just shared. Anxious or perfectionistic athletes are especially likely to hear each suggestion as one more rule they have to follow perfectly.
Instead, separate your role. Before games, parents are in charge of emotional safety. Coaches are in charge of strategy, instructions, and mechanics. Your job in those moments is to get your child to the field, and trusting them (and their coaches) to have the tools they need to perform.
Instead of corrections, you can say “You got this. Have fun!” Or even ask, “Hey, what do you need from me before you warm-up?” This helps signal to your child that you trust their preparation, and you’ll be there if they need you.
Focusing on process over outcome – so results don’t feel like a measure of worth
Pressure builds fast when the scoreboard starts to feel like a report card on your child as a person. It usually happens in small ways. Maybe you’re full of energy in the car after a win, but quiet after a loss. Maybe your post-game questions are always about goals scored, playing time, or standing in the lineup. You might mention who’s in the stands, how much the club fees cost, or what a bad game means for high school recruitment.
Kids connect those dots right away. When every conversation is about results, their focus shifts from how they play to what they achieve. The goal changes from trying hard, taking risks, and building skills (the process) to avoiding mistakes, playing time, or winning (the outcome). In youth athlete counseling in Apex, NC, we see kids who’ve started to dread the sport they used to love because they feel like their value rises and falls with their stats.
Before a game, you can help reset their focus by anchoring them to the process rather than the result. Outcome is out of their control (and influenced by so many factors like the weather, referee calls, the skill of the opponent, etc.). But processes like effort, attitude, and how they treat their teammates (and themselves) are entirely within their control.
Try creating a pre-game ritual that highlights what actually matters. Instead of saying “go win,” try: “Focus on giving great effort today, support your teammates, and have fun. I love watching you play no matter what the final score is.” When kids hear that regularly, their nervous system stops bracing for judgment and they can focus on the actual game.
Choosing a different kind of pre-game moment
As fall sports seasons start up, you get to choose a new rhythm for game days. The car doesn’t have to be a pressure cooker. It can be a place for calm music, silly jokes, or quiet side-by-side breathing. The sideline can become the spot where your child knows you’re there for them as a person first, not just as an athlete.
For many parents, the core shift is moving from, “How can I get my child to perform well?” to, “How can I help my child feel safe and steady in their own skin today?” That’s a very different job description.
Help your young athlete build confidence and resilience
If your child is feeling the pressure of competition or struggling to bounce back from setbacks, we are here to support them. At Bloom Psychology Group, our specialized youth athlete counseling in Apex, NC is designed to strengthen mental skills, improve emotional well-being, and help athletes enjoy their sport again.
As a parent, your job is emotional safety. Let our trained therapists help with mental performance and mental health. We can create a low pressure and emotionally safe environment so your child can face difficulties head-on, and learn strategies to navigate them. Reach out to contact us so we can explore the right next step for your young athlete together.