If you’re parenting a teen girl who plays competitive sports around Cary, Apex, or Morrisville, you’re familiar with the intense schedule. Driving back and forth to practice, completing homework in the car, and weekends lost to travel tournaments. On top of trying to keep her school and sport performance high, your daughter is managing multiple relationships on and off the field, including peer and coach relationships.
At this age, a coach’s opinion carries massive weight. For high-achieving teen girls, a coach’s approval can feel just as important as a parent’s or peers (sometimes even more!). When that relationship is healthy and the coach is appropriately balancing performance and well-being, it’s great. But if the coach is moody, inconsistent, or overly aggressive, it can really take a toll on your athletes’ emotional state, their self-esteem, and their play.
The Power of the Coach
Coaches have a very tough job. Coaches must give athletes technical direction, manage team dynamics, design plays and game strategies, and serve as a mentor to athletes. Good coaches can push for excellent performance, while boosting an athletes’ well-being. But it can be difficult for coaches to toe this line – how to challenge athletes, without pushing them to burn out.
It’s hard because high-achieving teen athletes are naturally wired to please the adults in their lives, especially the ones holding the key to their playing time (and what can feel like their future careers). It can feel like keeping the coach’s favor is the most important thing. More importantly, this can put a young athlete on edge. They might start to play out of fear, rather than trying their best or reaching their goals.
Red Flags in Team Culture
It can be easy to dismiss the red flags of an “old school” or harsh coach. Parents who want their child to achieve athletically sometimes just feel coaches are pushing their child to be the best athlete they can be. But there can be a few signs that show a coaching style is actually damaging their mental health, rather than helping it.
The Injury Guilt-trip: If your young athlete is terrified to admit she is hurt; nursing an injury because she is afraid of losing her spot or playing time; or feeling afraid of being called “soft” or like she “can’t cut it”, it could be a sign that a coach is using inappropriate tactics.
Public Shaming: Using embarrassment to shape behavior, instead of positive reinforcement. Coaches who call out individual players’ mistakes in front of the whole team, or make comments about their bodies, fitness, or “toughness” as a way to shame them into making corrections can be a huge problem.
The Freeze-out: Using silent treatment or ignoring players who aren’t performing well, rather than giving them constructive feedback to help them improve.
These problematic dynamics can cause a variety of issues. For example, you might notice your athlete is constantly worried about what the coach thinks, scared she will lose playing time, or feels like she can’t talk to anyone about what is happening with the team. She might be on-edge because practice feels unpredictable. Walking on eggshells around your coach can feel exhausting.
Healthy Team Culture
Healthy team culture is possible, even in competitive athletic environments. Good coaching doesn’t mean being soft or never demanding hard work. It means treating athletes like human beings first, and players second.
In a healthy team culture, coaches praise effort, not just the outcome. A good coach notices when a player makes a smart read or hustles back on defense, even if the team still lost the game. Mistakes are treated as data points, not character flaws. If your daughter makes a mistake or misses a play, a good coach shows her how to fix it instead of benching her indefinitely, or publicly shaming her to the team. There is also room for athletes to speak up if they are hurt or sick, without the fear of being replaced or retaliated against.
Coaches should also encourage a life outside of the sport. A healthy coach can hold athletes accountable to their commitments, like team practices and games, but they understand that teens are people with interests, family, and other life commitments. They encourage rest days and recovery time, and harmony between sport and other activities.
When a coach creates an environment where it’s safe to fail, teen athletes actually play bolder, take more creative risks, and end up playing better because the environment is safe and they aren’t paralyzed by the fear of making a mistake.
How to Advocate as a Parent
It’s incredibly hard to watch your kid leave practice defeated because of something her coach said or did. When this happens, it’s tempting to storm onto the field and demand answers. But this can backfire, putting the coach on the defensive and putting your daughter in an uncomfortable position.
Advocating for your child is possible, and good coaches should encourage healthy dialogue. We recommend using the 24-hour rule: assuming your daughter is not in immediate physical danger, wait 24-hours after a game or practice to reach out to a coach. Emotions can run high after a tough match. Giving it a full day lets everyone calm down so you and the coach can have a rational, and constructive conversation about how to support your athlete.
Allowing your teen to take the first step can build their self-esteem and confidence. If your daughter is in high school or comfortable talking to the coach on her own, encourage her to voice her concerns. You can draft a script with her ahead of time and practice what she is going to say. This allows her practice having difficult conversations, a life skill that goes way beyond sports. It also creates a record for you to demonstrate you’ve tried multiple avenues to help change the coach’s behavior when you finally step in. If you approach the coach and still don’t see meaningful change, go to their supervisor in the organization. Note what you’ve observed or your daughter has reported, and why it’s problematic and negatively impacting the team, her play, or her well-being. If you ever suspect abuse (including emotional or verbal abuse, or inappropriate use of physical equipment), you can always make a SafeSport report.
Helping your Cary Athlete Bloom
Navigating tricky coach dynamics and high-pressure team culture isn’t something you or your daughter have to figure out on your own. Sometimes having a neutral third party can make a huge difference.
If your daughter is struggling to separate her self-worth from her coach’s approval, or you’re trying to figure out how to advocate for her without making things worse, we are here to help.
At Bloom Psychology Group, we offer specialized sport performance and mental health support right here in Cary, NC. Athletes can get consistent, weekly support with their mental health, or get more targeted sport psychology through our high-performance intensives. Our goal is to help teen athletes build real confidence, manage performance anxiety, and find the joy in their sport again. Reach out to us today to schedule a time to talk about how we can support your teen athlete!